One Of Those Days
by demondreaming
Summary: A precursor to 'Surprise', in which Cat buys Jade a birthday present from a less than appropriate store. Also, Robbie's there. Rated M for adult words and suggestivery.


**Disclaimer: Dan Schneider owns me.**

/

"Cat, where are we going?" Robbie wandered aimlessly behind the petite red-haired girl, head twisting to look around at each battered store sign that ringed the streets. He wiped his sweating palms over the front of his tight denim jeans, before loosening a button on his red and blue plaid shirt, even in the cold. He was unfamiliar with this part of Hollywood. To be fair, he was unfamiliar with most parts of Hollywood that weren't comic stores and salons. Rex was more at home in places like this, but he'd left the puppet with his mother today, at Cat's request.

"We're going to get Jade a birthday present! Didn't you read my text?" Cat turned, sweeping her ruby coloured hair forward, a warm breeze stirring the hem of her short, cupcake-covered dress.

Robbie ran a hand through his curly, dark brown hair. He'd read the text, he just hadn't been able to decipher most of it. _'Wnt 2 cum by Jd a brfdy prsnt?'_ He'd decided to just play it safe and send back a tentative, _'yes?'_

"Come on, we're almost there!" Cat grabbed the Shapiro boy's hand, tugging him forward.

"What are you gonna get her? A heart?" Robbie joked nervously, sweaty fingers slipping from Cat's.

Cat looked back at Robbie reproachingly. "Don't be mean."

"Sorry." If Rex was here he'd know what to say. He could be an asshole, but at least he could tell a joke. But he'd been so obsessed with those Northridge girls lately. Half the time his wooden face was buried in his phone, texting them.

Lost in his thoughts, Robbie almost bumped into Cat as she stopped, hands linked in front of her in front of the battered looking store. The windows were yellowed, not with age but with some kind of cover. It wasn't the kind of store that sold things people could look at, Robbie figured. It was probably the perfect place to get Jade a gift.

He followed Cat into the store, bell jangling as they stepped in. It seemed like whenever he and Cat hung out these days, it was to do something for Jade. If it wasn't buying her jeans, it was buying her some obscure horror movie or Icelandic death metal album. Ever since Beck and Jade had broken up, Cat had taken it into her hands to replace him, showering the West girl with affection. It was almost like... no, Cat and Jade couldn't be dating, could they? It was impossible. Cat was the kind to hold hands and share kisses at every opportunity, and Jade was the kind to clearly mark her territory. There was no way they could be secretly dating. He'd spent too much time reading Galaxy Wars fanfiction. Now he saw subtext _everywhere._

Actually, now that Beck and Jade had broken up, it'd given him a lot more time to spend with Beck. There was something about Beck that just... intrigued Robbie. He was so effortlessly cool. He could just throw on a pair of dirty jeans and a white tshirt, and he was perfect. His shoulders were so broad, and the way the jeans hung on his hips. Oh, and when Beck ran his strong hands through his hair, it was just... it was just so cool.

Robbie licked his lips, palms sweating again, and drew his attention to the store.

Cocks.

Dicks.

Tallywhackers.

Penises. Or, as Galaxy Wars called them, 'snarblers'.

"C-c-cat? Wh-what- wh-where? Wha- _Where are we_?" Robbie stammered in a strangled voice, Adam's apple bobbing nervously. He wasn't used to being surrounded by so many... phalluses. He might've had a few magazines, but they were just for men's health. That was all. And it wasn't full nudity. Just... tasteful. Anyway, it was _nothing_ like this.

"We're in a sex shop." Cat said simply, looking around with a slight smile on her face.

"N-no, I-" Robbie pushed his glasses up, lowering his voice as the clerk looked over at him. A young, blonde-haired guy, chin and cheeks bristling with stubble, store logo emblazoned across his purple shirt. '_SEXMART_'. "What are we doing here?"

"I told you, Robbie! I need to buy Jade a birthday present!" Cat shook her head at Robbie, annoyance on her face.

"Cat... you're not even eighteen. How are you going to buy anything?"

Cat pointed a delicate finger at the clerk. "He's my brother. Robbie, how could you not recognise him? He was the clown at _your_ birthday party."

Robbie suppressed a shudder. He'd forgotten about that. He'd been happy that way. There'd been so much blood. So much. "Oh... right..." His heavy eyebrows dragged down in confusion. "Wait, why are you buying something for Jade from here?"

Cat wandered along an aisle, calling back over her shoulder. "Because I'm fucking her."

Robbie nodded, taking a few steps forward. "Because you're fuck- wait, what? You're... what?"

Cat turned, a wall of bristling dildos forming a protruding rainbow behind her. "Yeah. That's what she calls it. Aren't you doing the same thing with Beck?"

Robbie sputtered aimlessly, shoulders rolling in a continuous shrug. He wasn't with Beck! Sure, he and Beck might've kissed once or twice, but they were almost accidents. They were barely even kisses. They were more like close talking, but without the words and just the lips. But saying he and Beck were together? Sure, maybe he enjoyed feeling Beck's hard-on against his leg when they close-talked. But that didn't mean he was _with_ Beck. He wasn't gay, he was just... he was just Robbie. And maybe Robbie liked being with Beck, but it wasn't anything official. "_No_!" His voice cracked as it finally escaped him. "No." He repeated in a softer voice, eyes tracing the numerous phalluses that thrust from the walls. "No... I'm not."

"Jade said you two were as gay as windows."

"What? _No_. What does that even mean?"

Cat shrugged, turning back to the aisle of sex toys. "Ooo, do you think she'd like this?" Cat held up a string of pink anal beads.

"Does..." Robbie cleared his throat, eyes stinging. He seemed to be sweating a lot for some reason. It was all this competition lining the walls. His own man jangles just couldn't compare. "Does Jade like butt play?" He couldn't seem to stop his voice from squeaking. If Robbie could ever be said to be in a comfort zone, he was absolutely out of sight of it now.

Cat put back the beads with a frown. "I'm not sure. She said something last time..." Cat trailed off, taking a few steps down the aisle, head swivelling from item to item, hands trailing lightly over the various latex goods.

Robbie made an attempt to follow Cat, feet taking a few hesitant steps in her direction before being distracted by a blue and gold box. _'Arabian Nights'_ was scrawled on the box in a flowing script, curling sinuously. A proud coffee coloured dildo jutting within, every wrinkle reproduced with loving care. It was... it was kind of like Beck's. Not that Robbie had seen Beck's. He'd caught a glimpse when they'd gone to the bathroom together once, Robbie trying to fight his pee-shyness as he stood next to Beck in the urinals. And maybe he'd had a few dreams that were out of his control, but he could hardly help what his subconscious did while he was sleeping. He _could_ help what his hand did afterwards, he just chose not to. Really, the resemblance was almost uncanny. Robbie found himself almost mesmerised by the Beck cock-a-like, tongue running out over his lips. Maybe he should take a picture, so he could check with Beck later how accurate it was. Maybe he... maybe he should buy it. It came with a free bottle of spiced oil.

"Robbie? _Robbie_!"

Robbie shook his head, Cat's voice swimming into his head blearily. "Y-yeah?" He turned slowly, tearing his eyes away from the Aladdin's lamp that begged to be rubbed. He jumped as a large black phallus was shoved in his face by an exuberant Cat.

"How about this? Do you think she'd like this?"

Robbie let out a long breath, thin finger pushing his thick-framed glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "Uh... wh-what are all the strappy parts?" He prodded at the leather straps that dangled from the dildo.

"It's a strap-on!" Crowed Cat, grinning. "Jade was saying last time that she'd like to pin me down and-"

Robbie's hand hastily covered Cat's babbling mouth. "It's great. Really, it just- can we leave now? Please?" He let his hand slip away from Cat's mouth.

"You didn't want a silver bullet or anything?"

"What's that?"

"You put it in your-" Robbie's hand clamped over Cat's mouth again, cutting her off.

"No, no, it's fine. I'm fine. Can we just- Rex'll be waiting for me. We were supposed to do an assignment and... you know..." Robbie shifted uneasily, Cat's breath dampening his palm before he let it slide away.

"Ass." Cat took a deep breath, smile still on her face. "So you think she'll like it?"

Robbie forced a smile onto his face. "Uh... sure?"

Cat let out a soft yay, clutching the strap-on to her chest.

Robbie trailed wistfully behind as Cat bounced over to the counter, her brother setting down his bondage magazine with a sigh. Cat's family was... it was different. In Robbie's family, sex wasn't even a word. Whenever he tried to say it, it just came out as a squeak. He couldn't even count past five, it'd gotten so bad. The last person to see Robbie's genitals had been the rabbi that circumcised him. Robbie wasn't even sure the rabbi _had_ looked. He certainly hadn't done an expert job. The worst Robbie had ever encountered when bursting into his parents room had been his mother stuffing pork into her mouth. Literal pork. Great thick slabs of ham, slathered in mayo. His mother was a little unorthodox.

He'd still blushed and scrambled his way out of the room. He never spoke a word of it to his father. He liked to think it brought his mother closer to him, if not physically, then in the silent looks they shared when passing the deli section in the supermarket. He'd even gotten his mother a piggy bank one Christmas. She'd liked it so much, she hadn't returned it for a whole week. The rest of his presents were returned within a few days.

Still, to see Cat cheerfully chatting with her brother about the new sets of nipple clamps that had come in was disconcerting. If Robbie had taken any kind of message from the birds and the bees, it was that sex shouldn't be talked about with the same species. His pet gerbil was proof of this, containing all of Robbie's sexual fantasies locked within his rodent brain. It may have contributed to his reclusive nature, and hesitance to be petted by Robbie, or, indeed, eat carrots that weren't diced up. Unfortunately, until animal psychology became mainstream, he would be forced to stuff his little ears with woodshavings and pray to be sucked up into a vacuum cleaner.

Robbie shuffled up behind Cat, vaguely disturbed at the stickiness of the floor beneath him. If it had been tiles, he may have been somewhat comforted, but it was shag carpeting. He narrowed his eyes at the row of impulse buy items that ringed the counter. Stain remover, handcuffs, blindfolds. They all seemed related somehow, but Robbie was possibly influenced by one particularly bad Halloween involving a poorly constructed Mummy costume, a police arrest, and an unfortunate fear-based accident in a patrol car.

"Robbie, did you want some lube?"

"Loo..." Robbie's eyes widened, automatically scanning the bottle thrust in front of him. _Smooth Moves_. "What? Why? I don't- I haven't- how much is it?"

"It's buy one get one free." Cat weighed the two bottles in her hands, glancing between them. "I figure I'll need one for Jade's birthday, you know, just in case. But two bottles... it'd be like a slip and slide." Cat frowned, before grinning widely. "Robbie! We should go to the water park after!"

"Cat, it's winter. It's freezing outside." Robbie explained patiently.

"Oh." Cat looked positively crestfallen, setting the two bottles on the counter.

"Hey, I'll take one, okay?" Robbie tentatively touched Cat's shoulder, in an attempt to cheer her up. He'd change the seasons if he could. Well... that's not entirely true. Beck liked to do so many outdoor things, but at least in winter he didn't mind so much if Robbie cuddled up to him. Even if there was sometimes a fish or two between them, and Robbie had a tendency to rock the boat.

Cat grabbed the discreet bag, fingers circling around Robbie's thin wrist. "Come on, we've gotta go get Jade's cake now."

"Cat, I've really got to get started on this assignment with Rex!" And see if that lube really smelled like strawberries, like it promised on the bottle.

"Pleeeease? It's not far."

Robbie sighed, giving in to the enthusiastic girl. "Fine. What bakery is it?"

"Sexcake Bakery." Grinned Cat, tugging Robbie down the street.

Robbie stopped resisting. It was just one of those days, when everything was all sexual and he was immensely uncomfortable. Unfortunately for Robbie, those days were the days that ended in 'y'. He'd have a lot to tell his gerbil tonight.

/

**A/N: There's really nothing that can be said after this. I mean, besides that, which has been said now. So everything that comes after is basically superfluous, including this.**

**So... I don't know, review or something?**

**I'll smile like a demure slattern, despite the impossibility of such a thing.**

**Sexcake.**


End file.
